In a widely unexpected move today, Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, better known as the Emperor Caligula, stormed into the Houses of Parliament to take control of the United Kingdom. The British Army, enfeebled and demoralised after budget cuts and redundancies, proved powerless to stop the invader, who was backed by the supposedly 'lost' XVII, XVIII, and XIX legions.
After putting all members of the government to the sword, the Emperor announced an innovative manifesto which embraced a heady mixture of right wing and liberal policies. All social benefits are to be stopped and foreign immigrants to be enslaved, but at the same time gay marriage will become legal as will incest and sex with animals.
To celebrate his accession to power, Caligula announced a series of games including a Christians vs Muslims special at the new Wembley Stadium. Next week all able bodied men over the age of 7 will be required to turn out for the invasion of France which will launch the start of the second British Empire. The invasion will be financed by the ransoming for 'tribute tax' of the UK Chief Executives of Starbucks, Google, Vodafone and Microsoft.
Nigel Farage (UKIP), said he cautiously welcomed the new leader and although it was early days, felt he was moving in the right direction. Meanwhile, educationalists took solace in the disembowelment of Michael Gove, and felt that although his replacement, Incitatus, was relatively inexperienced, he could hardly do a worse job.