In a compromise agreement Commons Speaker, John Bercow, has agreed not block the proposed £10,000 pay rise for politicians, provided they are remunerated with "flesh of the proletariat". Voters had been angered by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority recommending large increases in MPs' salaries, but the hope is that they will be placated by having their still warm giblets ripped from their recently deceased corpse.
The Welsh Assembly is set to become the first part of the United Kingdom with an opt-out system of organ donation. Once this is adopted nationally, it is assumed that there will be an excess of innards. Logically the most practical use of this "organ mountain" is to use to sate the cannibalistic urges of Members of Parliament; matching supply with demand. Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg has already said he will not accept the organ donation, as his preferred option was "bitcoins". In public David Cameron has said he will be unable to prevent the new pay deal, but privately he has been heard confessing to his own weakness for which human-sourced fois gras.
One MP when interviewed attempted to calm Voters: "The Kidney Wales Foundation has complained that the Human Transplantation Bill was not intended to subsidize MPs but, during a period of public sector pay freezes, we need to think creatively. For a long time now BBC executives have taken severance payments that included the "sins of the flesh". We need to move with the times. And I'm pleased to announce that Education Secretary Michael Gove is drawing up plans for academies and free schools to become profit-making businesses, or "organ farms" as they will be re-branded."