Taking its cue from the US, the UK government has issued a public safety guide on how to deal with the recent surfeit of Poundland stores popping up all over the nation. The guide (reprinted here) assigns a colour to the amount of Pounland stores in your area and assesses the threat level:
"0 – Green: you won’t have much trouble in your community, however you are most likely surrounded the pseudo-upper-classes. The worst you can expect is having to play backgammon on the veranda, or being hit in the head with a piece of brie that was being used as a ball in game of touch rugby.
1 – Blue: not a cause for concern. In 2013, almost every town in the UK has at least one Poundland, and the existence of that store means you’re not living among the self-entitled pricks mentioned above.
2 – Yellow: a cause for some concern. Two Poundland’s can easily be a slippery slope as your town’s economy is clearly in some trouble. Prepare for the worst by purchasing a handgun for each member of your family and ensuring you never walk the streets without a taser. Squinting randomly and talking to yourself will also help. Preparation for action is key here, but at the moment it’s unlikely you will be beaten to death with your own shoes.
3 – Orange: a cause for great concern. Barbed wire fences, sandbags and a gun turret are a good idea. Ensure your children are sufficiently mentally prepared to kill a man/woman/child, with or without weapons. There’s a storm coming, and it’s only a matter of time until it hits. If you don’t take correct measures, it’s likely you will be beaten to death with your own shoes
4 – Red: this means you’re living in the equivalent of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, where roving bands of mutants cannibalise the dead, use leftover cat food for banquets and self-appointed tribal leaders satiate themselves on the tears of orphans."
There have been accusations of sensationalism, and several complaints about use of the word 'pricks' in an official government document, but so far ministers have declined to comment.
Scaremongering or pragmatism? You decide.