In a somewhat disheveled and confused state, the London Mayor announced today that he was prepared to tender his “seed” to the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge. The father of five (at last count) quickly dismissed criticism that the Royal Couple were quite obviously fertile and that the Government’s three-person IVF scheme was aimed at egg donations.
Spokesmen for the Mayor’s office: “The Mayor has long been a proponent of polygamous and experimental sexual unions. His free love credentials are unimpeachable; be it, in 2004, promising Conservative voters ‘bigger breasts’ or promoting ‘Boris needs you’ at student Fresher’s fairs in 2006. Even comparing homosexual civil partnerships, in 2001, to that of ‘three men and a dog’; Mr. Johnson was clearly paving the way for a liberalization of Royal impregnation.”
Despite regular accusations of racism “Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson” regular refers to himself a "one-man melting pot” and now through this scientific break-through he hopes to cover William & Kate in the gooey residue of his love pot. Although an avid cyclist, the Mayor’s powerful “bullingdon juice” has not been adversely affected by increased scrotal temperature or sores. In fact Helen Macintyre and Petronella Wyatt can both attest to “Bojo’s” powers of insemination and discretion.
Dr David King, the director of Human Genetics Alert, had raised concerns that such use of IVF treatment was the "slippery slope" which could lead to a nation of yellow-tufted, designer babies. However, the Mayor’s spokesmen said it was the only way to ensure “Liverpudlians and Lefties ” didn’t get their hands on the Royal Couple’s “crown jewels”.