Thames Valley Police have admitted relying upon real policemen in the capture and prosecution of an sadistic, grooming ring. The outsourcing of investigations to television detectives is an established and cost efficient measure; so naturally the citizens of Oxfordshire had assumed that their streets were being protected by the stoic presence of Detective Inspector Robert "Robbie" Lewis. Earlier today the County Council were forced to issue an apology to the public and reassure them that all future crimes would be investigated by a fully qualified, fictional crime-solver.
In 1987 a pilot scheme involving a Mr. Endeavor Morse, had proved so successful that Thames Valley were able to substitute their relatively low "murder" conviction rate, with the implausibly inflated figures from Colin Dexter. Subsequently with the introduction of cable re-runs, they could give the impression of 24/7 patrols without the overheads. As one Officer explained: "The public wanted a familiar face. A traditional portrayal of law and order. The haunted look. The round tones of the classically trained actor. With Thaw we got that. People just want the surety that comes with gravitas and good vocals. A rumbling from the diaphragm. However, since 2006 the scheme was subcontracted to a Mr. Whately Don't get me wrong, the Geordie accent is all well and fine, but it says Welsh in the script!"
Despite seven seasons, Inspector Lewis has failed to dent the public's inaccurate perception that crime rates are rising. "It's all about media bias," clarified the Officer "To combat this we've looked at a more European model, such as Wallander, but the British public are too lazy to deal with the subtitles. We were apprehensive about buying into a U.S. CSI-franchise model, so we've gone for a compromise. We wanted a calming yet fictional presence. So here he is, all the way from Miami-Metro, the new face of our community policing ..Mr. Dexter Morgan."