The special relationship game between America and its colony Britain will be decided on penalties, the US president has promised Fox News. President Obama will preside over the penalties, in accordance with two representatives of the American electorate, Momenpop Flyoverstate and Jim Bob Redneck. Tony Blair's services will not be needed.
Many people in Britain dread the game going to penalties, where Britain's pensioners look particularly vulnerable. The Americans, on the other hand, are clinical and expected to show no mercy to their 'partner', in a move that could see America's loyal supporters in London, Iraq and Afghanistan devastated.
There are two vital aspects to the game. Britain's Dee Fence must counter all attacks from the Taliban, and deal with dangerous crossfire coming in from the flanks of Iraq and Afghanistan. On the other hand, Britain's Off Fence must mop up anything spilled by the American oil strikers, who could cause devastation as quickly as they go scuttling back under cover. This is where Britain's man Tony Heyward will be expected to play an important role, 'in the hole'. It's a role he plays in domestic competitions, for BP, but he's never been tested in such high pressure conditions. It will be interesting to see how Heyward copes in such a jingoistic cauldron, in front of a volatile crowd of insecure politicians and baying news anchors.
Heyward would do well to evoke strategy of Warren Anderson, the skipper of American club Union Carbide, which famously conceded 15,000 lives and caused 500,000 serious injuries, in an away fixture in Bhopal, India. Anderson played a canny game, with the help of the FBI. In a sort of reverse-Martin Peters style manoeuvre, he managed to ghost himself out of the danger area, and avoid penalties altogether. Many witnesses who remember Bhopal still cannot fathom how Anderson pulled it off. Some say the American government played a huge part in helping Anderson avoid justice in an international arena.
It's a move that a world statesman like Barack Obama would doubtless appreciate.