Conservative MP Sir Richard Grealey-Symes has warned of an 'e-cancer timebomb' if something is not done about the latest menace of e-cigarettes.
'My teenage grandchildren have assured me that e-smokes have “gone viral”, with children as young as six getting addicted to e-tobacco which can be downloaded for free off the Internet', said the 76-year-old baronet. 'In the past, youngsters had to go behind the school bike shed for a furtive smoke, and all one had to do was drag them out and give them a good flogging. But now they're “logging on” to social sites like Myface and Spacebook in the privacy of their own bedrooms and indulging in marathon smoking sessions with their friends'. He has heard of one ten-year-old who was rushed to A and E with ten megabytes of e-nicotine in his system.
Furthermore, he warned, electronic marijuana is now on the scene, and Britain is staring into an abyss of e-reefer madnesss, all the more pernicious because in its electronic form it can't be detected by sniffer dogs. 'We were caught off guard in the Sixties, and the drug culture was upon us before we knew it', he said, 'but we can learn from our mistakes and nip this menace in the bud'.
Meanwhile, the Internet giants have reacted with great concern to this news. 'We are glad this has been brought to our attention. Our children are our future', said Google executive Ed Feltz. 'We're working on a long-term solution', he continued, struggling to contain his emotion, 'but for the moment the least we can do for the young people at risk is install filters. And, er...roaches'.