"There's one in every barrel" deputy commissioner Mike Smythe concluded after an investigation discovered an "institutionally nice" officer at work on the streets of south London.
"The next step for us is to find out how this happened and learn lessons from it," Smythe concluded. "Unbeknownst to him, the officer's wife of 12years has been working undercover for us and the family dog is plain clothes as well. The woman he thinks of as his mother is really a plant, and his best mate is a grass. In our own secret way we have the bloke surrounded and it's only a matter of time before he comes out as a raging vegetarian or similar.
"We'd want to stress that the institution that caused this rogue officer to become nice was not the Met and we are now secretly targeting activist groups like the Rotarians and the Women's Institute, where undercover officers have achieved a satisfactory level of penetration without undue suspicion.
"Mr Gove has already signalled, when he becomes PM, a likely return to the days of the clip round the ear, the trip down the station steps and the accidental suffocation of mentally ill visitors to the nick who have dropped in to see if anyone has picked up a set of lost keys. While that Scotland Yard sign continues to spin I for one support these aims."