A former SAS soldier has finally achieved his long-cherished ambition of working in an office. Gary Webb served in the army for twenty years, nine of which were spent in the elite Special Air Service but he had always hankered after the regular hours and inadequate salary of a desk jockey. "Whenever I was on a top secret mission in Sierra Leone or Afghanistan I'd often find my mind wandering off to my fantasy office. I'd picture myself sharing gossip with the staff, personalising my desk space or chatting-up a receptionist, maybe even taking part in a Powerpoint presentation. It was an image that kept calling to me. Of course I didn't dare mention any of this to my SAS mates. I'd never have lived it down"
Gary recalls how, on one occasion, he survived being tortured by imagining himself throwing-up over the girl from accounts during the office Christmas party. "I just kept telling myself to hold on to that dream as they blasted electricity through my genitals."
After being forced to retire through injury Gary became a bodyguard to a prestigious clientele but he continued to cling to his dream of an office job. "When I hit fifty I started thinking that maybe my chance had gone but one day I noticed an ad in the local paper for an admin job at a recruitment agency and to my amazement my application was successful."
Since embarking on his new career a month ago Gary says he's never been happier or more fulfilled. "My new colleagues have been making an effort to seem interested in my previous occupations but I'm sure they're just being polite. One of them, Roy, showed me how to create a spreadsheet so I returned the favour by showing him how to kill a man using just his thumbs. He seemed really pleased about that. But like I said, he was probably just being polite."
When asked what he enjoys most about office life Gary is unhesistant. "Oh that's easy. Not having your balls roasted by an electrode-wielding sadist. Unless they're keeping that for the Christmas party."