Despite tapping into the global fibre optic network and examining more than 600 petabytes of Internet vendors' FAQ, the Cheltenham-based Government Communications Headquarters today admitted that it still had no idea when Tracy's dress-up outfit would arrive.
'It must be one of the developed world's worst intelligence failures,' admitted a GCHG spokesperson at a press conference this morning.
'During the past few weeks, we've dedicated thousands of man-hours and billions of pounds worth of taxpayers' technological resources to finding out why Darren in HR had more than £20 million deducted from his bank account for an estimated electricity bill, and what's happened to the dress-up outfit that Tracy in the mailing room ordered weeks ago for her little nephew's birthday party, which is scheduled for this afternoon, but still hasn't turned up.'
The decision to tap into the global fibre optic network was taken by senior intelligence officers when they found that they couldn't make outgoing telephone calls because the GCHQ switchboard was jammed by staff holding in helpline queues.
'It's embarrassing,' explained the spokesperson, 'when the Director General of MI5 can't call a Cabinet Minister to say that his flash memory dongle has been found on a number 8 bus and that the government's plans to invade Syria are safe.
'The last straw was when we learnt that Prince Philip was about to be released from hospital early and needed a clean pair of socks urgently. No one was able to tell his wife where to find the nearest branch of Sock Shop.'
The FBI is understood to have experienced similar difficulties in advising President Obama of the nearest branch of Tie Rack. However, this remains unsubstantiated while GCHQ is unable to contact Edward Snowden for confirmation.