The route taken by the forthcoming royal baby has been disclosed as its mother’s vagina, it has not yet emerged.
Marcus Setchell, an expert in royal vaginas, revealed the hitherto top secret route favoured by the royal foetus, ending months of fevered speculation. Setchell who is known for his “warm hands” approach, successfully delivered Prince Charles from the Queen’s fandango in 1948 despite being blindfolded and relying on auditory clues.
He will be assisted by the royal family’s current gynaecologist, Alan Farthing, who will be wearing a Prince William face mask with the eyes blocked up. The precautions are necessary after Setchell’s previous assistant, Reginald Smithies, was beheaded following the birth of Charles after glimpsing a reflection of the Queen’s cave of wonders in a nearby window.
The baby is then expected to make its way from the royal uterus at around noon on July the 15th before navigating the cervix and pausing briefly in the birth canal. The royal He or She will emerge from the royal box at an unspecified time, where it is expected to start costing the taxpayer.
Although the Duchess of Cambridge was offered a Caesarian birth, palace sources said that she would prefer to scream in agony for the duration of labour. The first indication that the Duchess has given birth will come when an aide leaves the hospital carrying a piece of paper with details of the baby’s sex, weight and whether or not it is a lizard.
Bookies have taken a steady stream of bets on the baby being a humanoid boy, partly because the Duchess is reported to have bought a blue pram. However a royal source claimed hubby William has also invested heavily in hyrdoponic lighting, flies and a large glass case.