'I'm not racist, but...,' says racist about to say something racist
(13 posts) (10 voices)
Some of my best friends are Jews, blacks, Pakistanis, Muslims, Romany gypsies, Polish plumbers, Latvian call girls, police officers and journalists.
I draw the line at career politicians, though.
There was a Viz Top Tip a while ago along the lines of:
“Racists – convince everybody that you’re not racist by saying “I’m not racist, but...” before saying something racist.”
It’s good advice. Some of their tips are not such good advice though, such as “Drivers - make boring motorway journeys more entertaining by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.”
"Some of my best friends are racists but ..."
That was a good one, vcg. Almost as good as their classic "Never lose household items again - simply attach everything you own to a very long piece of string, then if you can't find something, simply work your way along the string until you reach it."
... or the surreal - Make your car look like a taxi (from a distance) by taping an empty conflakes packet to the roof.
My favourites are
"Cover a pair of black shoes in sellotape to make them look like patent leather"
"Drill a small hole in your 'fridge door, so that you can see if the light goes off when you close it."
"During this hot weather when everone has their windows wide open, playing music loudly will annoy you neighbours. Another good way is to set fire to their dustbin."
My own contribution was
"Don't waste money on expensive organic vegetables. Just buy ordinary cheap supermarket ones but choose the scabby-looking mis-shapen ones."
Or the classic:
"Don't waste money buying a personalised number plate. Just change your name by Deed Poll to your car's registration number.
Mr RGK 677Y"
Was yours published, Titus? I got a lot of stuff published in the Profanisaurus, but never in the Top Tips.
"Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon."
I always wondered who provided the contributions for profanisaurus.
Make people believe you've had a house fire by painting your windows black and putting all your furniture outside in the front garden. For added poignancy leave a charred teddy bear in a prominent position.
'I'm not racist, but...,' says racist about to say something Republican.
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