NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda
The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel
Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff
"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him. "Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker. "He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours. "Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning str
Rats annoyed about being linked with billionaire scumbags
“Look, this has got to stop, we have a bad enough reputation as it is, but please stop linking us with awful elitist bellends just because of name similarity. We get it, we are associated with loads of awful stuff, our PR team is nowhere near as good as the squirrels. Smell a rat? Dude….no need. Why can’t we have “Brave Whistle-blower Rat" rather than just rat out? Even our skill set is mocked, we are really good swimmers and just being wet gets you classed as looking like a
White House hires exorcist to deal with Epstein’s ghost
A confused White House is believed to be considering hiring a Catholic priest to exorcise Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost. ‘All I hear is Epstein’s ghost this, Epstein’s ghost that’, a spokesman said. ‘The big man wants this ghost gone, just like he wanted some random people in Minneapolis gone, so that’s what we’re gonna do’. A Vatican spokesman confirmed that exorcism is still a thing but pointed out that the problem might be more to do with living people than dead ones. The Vatica
Gold for Team GB as Keir Starmer wins the 500m skating on thin ice
There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice. The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement. St
The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!
What, you want to read them again? Oh OK, then, here goes. Still not satisfied? Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot. Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon. Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post. The pardon that is, not the water. She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off. For those with short memories,
Labour party aims to best the Tories
Labour Party activists are excited by the chance to put one over on the Tories. 0ne insider told us, 'When the Tories sacked Theresa May, they set in motion a downward doom spiral from which they never recovered. Boris, partygate, internal divisions, scandal, defections, Liz Lettuce, Kwazy Kwasi and then Rishi got the hospital pass and finally a massive election wipe out.' 'Labour is at the top of that ski slope. If we can push out Keir, then we can ignore the national intere
Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California
Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life. But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there? NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really poli
Wave of gratitude for Reform
British citizens have today expressed their overwhelming gratitude to the Reform Party. ‘Reform aren’t all bad,’ said Colin Popp, a resident of Clacton. ‘There’s lots of criticism of Reform and Farage, but we should all give credit where it’s due. We all need to give a massive thank you to Reform for finally shutting up those gobby right-wing Tories. ‘Since Robert Jenrick joined Reform, we haven’t heard a peep from him. What a relief! No stupid stunts chasing tube fare dod
Trump slams Shakespeare as 'meaningless word salad and garbage'
In a series of late night posts on the ironically named, Truth Social, President Trump, has turned his phenomenal brain power to William Shakespeare, branding The Bard of Avon as, 'A low IQ guy who wrote meaningless word salad and garbage.' Commenting on Much Ado About Nothing, Trump wrote, 'Huh, he nailed it with the title.' In another petulant post he asks, 'Who the hell was this Henry guy? Seven plays about him when clearly one would’ve been plenty. He must have been the b
