As part of a recapitalization process the banking group will be listing itself on the stock market, embracing capitalism and endorsing a leverage buyout of their “eternal soul”. The Co-operative needs to tackle the £1.5bn deficit, which is the cash equivalent of 20 years of lost illegal and immoral investment opportunities.
A Bank of England spokesman described the Co-op has staggeringly “naïve”: “How is a 21st century financial institution expected to remain solvent if they ignore the needs of key customers? Drug smugglers, terrorists, corrupt regimes – they all need reasonably priced mortgages.”
While other London banks have sensibly incentivized corruption and incompetence amongst their executives, the Co-op has foolishly pursued a policy of fair and equitable rewards, alongside supporting community projects.
Asked if there were any plans to help the bank financially the spokesman explained: “If we bailout a normal bank we know they will invest that money wisely in grotesque bonus schemes for their executives or shareholders. But with the Co-op you have that lingering doubt that they will just throw cash at clean energy, Fairtrade or people with accents.”
Founded in 1863, the Co-op has more than six million members, all of whom have endorsed the nauseating concept of enhancing “quality of life”. "This is the best solution for all concerned," bank chief executive Euan Sutherland told BBC Radio 4's Today programme, while a masked figure held a gun to his head.
Limping and clearly covered in bruises, one Co-op Manager was willing to talk to the Press: “All 100,000 Co-op employees will go through an induction process with exercises such as tearing up love letters, deforestation and puppy strangling. We need to embrace our inner demons and fight against corporation tax where ever we see it,” he said, spitting out a tooth.