The man who is Commander In Chief of the world's largest army, which is currently engaged in a number of wars in various locations, has told a bunch of children in Belfast that they need to work harder to maintain peace.
"For those who choose the path of peace, the United States of America will be with you every step of the way," said the man, who currently has enough firepower at his fingertips to destroy the entire world in an afternoon. "America has always been in favour of peace. That is why I have been always championed exclusively peaceful and democratic means in Afghanistan and Iraq and believe that the current Syrian problem can be resolved by the obviously peaceful means of sending over huge amounts of weapons to help people murder their own government."
As the man continued to list his peaceful achievements, including the illegal invasion of Pakistan which resulted in the murder and dumping at sea of a 54-year-old political rival, he turned his focus to the education system in Northern Ireland.
"The problem with Northern Ireland is its education system," said the man. "Having children taught separately makes no sense whatsoever. What you need to do here is make sure that all children are educated together and given a good solid Christian education, namely that the world is 5000 years old and that we all had dinosaur farms before they were wiped out with a global flood, just like we teach 'em in America. It's due to the excellent American education system that we have one of the most peaceful countries in the world, if you don't count all the murders and random gun rampages."
Despite the positive words used by the man, some children remained confused by his message. Sean Connolly, from the Andersonstown area of the city, was baffled by the man's suggestion that "peace was harder than war." "That's just not true, like," said Sean. "If I want to fight someone, like, I have to go out and expend energy and risk my safety and all, but if I want peace then I can just sit in the house and watch TV." Overall, however, all the children who attended the man's speech were reported to be "very impressed" at the huge level of hypocrisy which he displayed, saying that it was much better than the pretty ordinary standards of hypocrisy that they are used to with their own political leaders in Northern Ireland.