Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin are said to be locked in tense talks atop the G8 summit in order to find an agreeable solution to the on-going crisis in Syria. The aim of the talks is to arrange a further conference somewhere down the line where they may or may not arrange a meeting in which both sides can express their concerns.
Obama, speaking candidly in honour of the summits key-word of transparency said "At this point my popularity is not strong enough to begin another profitable war. If we do as that incorrigible man-dog says and set up a no fly zone then the birds certainly won't listen, they can't even understand words. There is absolutely nothing to stop Assad's men attaching bombs to them. Worse still they might have chanced across that shipment of drones that vanished under mysterious circumstances earlier this year. Chuck Hagel informed me that they simply flew away but I am still somewhat dubious."
David Cameron also picked up on a key summit theme and suggested we somehow tax the hell out of both Assad's regimes and the rebels. He reportedly returned to his special corner when he was informed that aside from arms, there is very little taxable trade taking place within the country, and even if there was the Inland Revenue would have no jurisdiction.
According to rumour the talks were doomed from the outset when Obama offered Putin a lightly seasoned human heart, prepared in London’s Itsu Sushi, as a peace offering.