Chancellor George Osborne is due to unveil agreed Government cuts, which will include a radical overhaul of BBC planning. Inspired by the efforts of DJ Nick Grimshaw losing nearly 1 million listeners, the Corporation has agreed to “down scale” audience participation and put the focus back on to what the BBC does best; tackling scandals.
"In complying with austerity measures, our own internal audit revealed the greatest area of waste and incompetence was the viewers themselves," explained the BBC's Head of Accounting. "Are we less entertaining or does the fault lie with the average Brit - with their general apathy, poor attention spans and lack of taste? Really we should be embracing these cuts. Consider this; a few thousand Chris Moyles aficionados tune out. What's actually been lost? Some monosyllabic fan mail? All written in crayon, talking about the joys of processed meat. By no longer pandering to these luddites it'll liberate us artistically, while saving cash."
Other Government Departments facing similar cuts have started to review their areas of greatest inefficiency. Health and Education Officials have been surprised to see how much mortality and numeracy rates improve once you remove the patients and students from the equation. A spokesmen for the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, said: "The morbidly obese and grammatically challenged are holding back cost efficient delivery of services. We have a public sector filled with qualified, hard-working professionals who are simply let down by their clientele. Even the police capturing criminals is counter intuitive as it leads to the expense of keeping them in prison". The only area not taking a reduction is the counter-terrorism branch, as most terrorists are cost neutral "given their propensity for blowing themselves up."
“Initially there was some apprehension at losing our market share,” explained one Producer. “But then we reminded ourselves – ‘we are not in a market’. We don’t need to chase viewing figures like they were the last chip in a Tramp’s buffet. If anything it wasn’t us who was dumbing down the shows, the public were dumbing us down". The Director General has already agreed to audience cuts of up to 10% across a range of radio and television programmes. The BBC's new mission state reads thus: "We will not second guess the needs of a remedial nation intent on becoming the lowest common denominator...that means you Hammond!"