Stephen Hester, or King Tut Tut the Third of RBS, has decreed that 2,000 former servants from the bank’s investment arm be buried alongside him in a specially designed pyramid.
It is understood that as part of Mr Hester’s ‘golden handshake’, actual gold will be used to construct the 480ft edifice in Edinburgh’s South Gyle, while the nearby town of Livingston is to be flattened and used to provide parking for those visiting Mr Hester’s tomb.
Like any modern day banking CEO, Mr Hester’s contract grants him the divine rights of a King, as well as pay and benefits worth £1.6m and another £4m in shares.
The RBS employees, who will be selected at random, will start being mummified and stored later this year in preparation for Mr Hester’s eventual passing to the spirit world. Once he arrives, these employees will serve him in the afterlife, manning call centres and handling PPI claims from beyond the grave.
RBS chairman Sir Peter Philpott said: “I have seen the plans for this magnificent structure and if I were in Stephen’s shows, I couldn't be dead fast enough. It really is splendid.
“I want to praise Stephen’s hard work in a very demanding role, and I only hope that he can take some comfort from the huge pile of cash and the satisfaction of stepping over the corpses of so many people when it‘s finally his time to push off, up the River Nile.”
Mr Hester’s sacrificial request means that in total 41,000 jobs have been cut by RBS since 2008, although not all of those laid off have required embalming.
BBC Economics correspondent Stephanie Powers said: “RBS are playing up the positives of Mr Hester’s departure, chief amongst them being the fact that he’s going.
“While in the short term his departure will create even greater fear, uncertainty and dread for those working at the bank, and those responsible for bailing it out, i.e. everyone, there is the prospect of more jobs being created in the long term.”
RBS estimates at least 100,000 workers will be needed for the construction of King Stephen’s final resting place. With many of those expected to die from overwork and exhaustion, RBS predicts this could free up employment opportunities for another 20,000. As the bank is currently in public hands, many of these workers will come from the Government’s Welfare to Work programme, allowing them to continue receiving benefits whilst learning essential work-based skills, such as how to drag fifty times their own body weight up a hill.
In his abdication address, Mr Hester said: “Naturally, I’d like to have stayed in the trenches alongside my staff helping RBS recover, but in the end while they get the option of staying in the trench wrapped in bandages, alas I can only be with them in spirit. My actual body will be in this bloody gorgeous sarcophagus. And yes, that‘s all hand tooled alabaster.”
The search is now on for Mr Hester’s successor. The most obvious candidate is still only three years old, but there are those within government and RBS who believe they should go with someone less mature.
City analyst Quentin Hanslow said: “It isn't an easy choice they face. Matt Smith was excellent and very popular, as was David Tennant. I like the idea of Rory Kinnear, but I’m not sure he would be accepted by younger fans. Naturally, like any right minded person, I hope they don’t pick a woman. Sorry, who are we talking about again?”