Coming soon! Lovers worldwide are set to seal their passionate romance by enjoying full sexual intercourse over the internet. Pioneered by Silicon Valley upcomer USqueeze, the new app will allow consenting users to capture every detail of their affection on a screen - and then send a digital imprint to the intimate partner of their choice.
“It's the ultimate breakthrough,” enthused USqueeze Vice-President, Petronella Lambie. “For months we've been seeking ways to translate the full range of the emotionally complex bedroom experience into an easy to operate digital space. This app does just that – and far more!
But vitally important to World Health, USqueeze guarantees 100% internet protection from every sexually transmitted disease known to man. Despite 'partners' often being thousands of miles apart as they experience the thrill of full sex, the citrus flavoured app Condom Suite enjoys a complete range of obligatory cyber devices - including a ribbed oral fire-screen by Kaspersky and sterile lubricants courtesy of Shell Oil in liaison with internet perfume maker, Maxine Wow-Factor.
However it's on the critical Cyber Sensations front that USqueeze scores over the competition. "The completed menu of this app will finally break down the barriers between traditionally dull sexual intercourse and the sort of supernatural intercourse our customers will prefer,” promised Ms Lambie.
“For example, loving partners will be able to turn themselves into the celebrity of their choice. Or even enjoy multiple identity swaps, starting off as one famous person then changing into someone completely different, either immediately pre-orgasm or midway during a massive list of all-night foreplay options. Including ten minute 'Powerplays' and Instant Replays.”
Just imagine the potential for innocent teenage girls to discover the joys of real sex with someone like Robert Pattinson. Or schoolboys to experience half the night with Maria Sharapova and the other half with Rihanna. All within the family-friendly framework of a loving relationship with an actual beloved!