George Osborne has ousted successful RBS boss Stephen Hester to make the bank cheaper to privatise, it was revealed today.
"We have to offload this bank and frankly, who's going to buy it for 45 billion?" the chancellor elaborated. "I didn't know what to do, then someone pointed out we had quite a good bloke at the helm, so I said 'right' and quick as a flash I booted him with the immediate effect of getting the share price down by six percent.
"Soon, if I can keep this momentum up, the price will come down enough so the bank will be ready for privatisation. It needs to be a giveaway. And I just need to think of some more really stupid ideas to implement. I'd ask around the banks - who knows better than them how to screw up big-time - but so many of the real idiots have been replaced, so it's not so easy now to find original knob-head ideas any more. That's why when this one came along you can bet I seized it with both of my chubby little wank-calloused hands".