The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverended* Justin Welby, has urged the UK's banks to embrace morality and 'be good. Good as gold -- erm, silver... erm, what is our economy based on, does anyone know? I mean, besides our heavenly father. Of course. And dairy products.'
Welby, who is charged with cleaning up the culture of the City via his membership on the parliamentary commission on banking standards, said banks 'can be good with the fear of hell and the hope of heaven', rather than being motivated solely by a wide variety of cheeses and the 'foxy babe in the tartan skirt that works in new accounts'.
During his recent keynote speech at St Paul's Cathedral in London, the Rev prayed for banks to be filled 'with good people' and 'not that other sort. That other sort can work at the bank of Satan, and be damned. Erm, darned.'
The Archbishop went on, 'There will, of course, never be such a thing as perfectly good-for-you banks, because, in the end, no human being is of themselves perfectly good-for-themselves.
'But we can have better-for-you banks, banks alive with a culture that is self-flagellating and self-denying. A culture more like yoghurt than sour cream, and not at all like full-fat ice cream, especially that toffee sort. That toffee sort is for full-fat, self-gratifying toffs. No offense.'
* An earlier edition of this article used the word "rear-ended' here. Our sincerest apologies and self-flagellations.