After a concerning new report revealed that 50% of the UK population will definitely have some form of cancer by 2020, pharmaceutical companies have temporarily halted their quest for a remedy for the common cold in order to focus on a cure for cancer.
According to anecdotal evidence the majority of the population generally knows or is related to someone who has suffered from cancer but have never actually had the disease themselves.
The new report has thrown this nonchalance into serious doubt, particularly when it was revealed that 50% is close to one half of the population. Cancer research UK is said to be relieved at the findings as now people will begin to take the disease seriously. It is also reported they are going to halt production of cancer related balloons and badges and focus on tackling the root causes of the disease such as inherited genetic defects and lifestyle choices.
Tobacco company lobbyists are said to be delighted at the findings as they can now claim you have a 1 in 2 chance of not getting cancer regardless of whether you are a smoker, and processed food producers are hoping to expand their customer base into the gambling community. It is also rumoured that Jeremy Hunt is pleased that NHS hospitals will not be able to cope with the increase in demand.