"First let me say there's far too much reliance on the Internet in today's spying," Michael Gove told a conference of espionage experts. "I want to return to the rigorous ways of the past, when complicated codes were worked out with a pencil and paper and much head scratching. When spies took in huge amounts of information on paper them screwed up the paper and swallowed it. Lets consider a return to the days of invisible ink and mysterious conversations on park benches."
Mr Gove went on to discuss whistleblowing. "When the whistle blows I want all spies to stop what they're doing, form two lines, QUIETLY and lead on. Those of you on second sitting for dinner should wait your turn over vodka martinis with no fuss, and there should be no running in the corridor except if you are chasing an enemy agent."
Mr Gove is rumoured to be considering uniform for all espionage staff, with steel rimmed bowler hats and pin striped suits for the boys and white bikinis with a sheath knife at the waist for the girls.
"Where literature is concerned the curriculum at GCHQ should have more Buchan and less Fleming. That is why, as a gesture, I will appear at future press conferences handcuffed to Theresa May."