Elves and Goblins made me appoint Mandelson, says Starmer
'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons. 'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting. 'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the cham
Starmer saw, did & understood nothing- so what's the point of him?
T he Prime Minister claimed the 'I know nothing, I'm a complete muppet' defense when explaining his incompetence to the House of Commons. Asked if he was aware that Mandelson had failed his vetting, the PM claimed not to know what a vet was. By his own admission, his only qualification for the most powerful job in Britain is that he is completely clueless and has slopier shoulders than a pencil. Suddenly his inability to prosecute Jimmy Saville and Prince Andrew start to make
Reform to review all asylum claims since 1066
Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye. A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.' Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However,
Massive operation launched to rescue White House ballroom
More details have emerged of the huge mission undertaken to save President Trump's White House ballroom after the project was shot down. On the President's orders, thousands of lawyers were deployed across the country, issuing hundreds of writs to bring the ballroom back to life. 'We really flooded the zone with these legal eagles," one General Counsel told the press. "They've been hand picked by the our president for being maximum-strength grasping and unscrupulous, like him
UK Security Vetting 'unsurprised' Mandelson failed vetting
'Quite honestly, we don't know what the furore is all about,' said a spokesman for the government agency. 'People, usually politicians but sometimes the offspring of KGB officers, are nominated for vetting all the time. They always fail, it's always ignored,' he said, pointing out that practically every Conservative politician promoted to a sensitive role in the last fourteen years of Conservative government had an impression of being a 'tax dodging, law breaking, corrupt
Trump hopes to win Congress over by plans to have White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu
During what is thought to be a nap brought on by sundowning (dementia fatigue), the US President discarded the notion from a previous dream, where he imagined himself as a deity, and now realises he is the reincarnation of Kubla Khan and intends to have the White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu. In a post on Truth Social, President Trump promised the ballroom would be opened by none other than Olivia Neutron-Bomb, singing her hit record, with a cast of reality TV dancists,
New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'
The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.
Mandelson both passes and fails vetting
'In hindsight, there was no way to know that a man whose nickname was The Prince of Darkness was a wrong 'un'
I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight
'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.
BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits
WESTMINSTER — Britain's political class has descended into a full-blown 'orientation emergency' with a story instantly dubbed 'clickbait crack cocaine'
