In an increasingly desperate attempt to prove his credibility with right wing voters, Ed Miliband has promised to limit the lengths that people will go to avoid death.
Buoyed by the recent projected infection rates, released by Macmillan Cancer Support, Mr. Miliband is convinced that Labour can improve upon the Coalition’s track record of making people ill. Rather than settle for a poorly funding NHS and an increasingly carcinogenic environment, Labour would tackle the "underlying causes" of health.
While doing his best impression of a Nick Park animated character, Mr. Miliband said he would be “laser focused” on how we spend every single pound. Not dying, vital as it is, “cannot be exempt from that discipline". The Labour leader said people's faith in health had been "shaken" by the appearance that a minority of people were getting "something for nothing and other people nothing for something".
A Party Spokesmen explained. “We need to put an end to this entitlement culture, where everyone assumes that they deserve to live.” he said “Under the Coalition half the UK population will get cancer in their lifetime, but we think that Labour will able to extend this to include everyone.” Priority care will be given to those who have contributed longest; therefore children under five years would not be eligible for health.
Mr. Miliband said Labour, if elected, would introduce a cap on "structural" well-being – such as eating, breathing and the circulation of blood. Unite leader Len McCluskey said he was encouraged Labour was offering a "distinctive choice" between dead and deader.
((The great thing about Ed is all I need to do is quote him directly - Sarah Palin-tastic!))