Army officers who have retrained as teachers have introduced new levels of discipline to schools, it was revealed today.
At schools across the country, waterboarding is now accepted as a suitable means of finding out who drew a rude cartoon of the teacher on the board.
And students who are unable to say what part of speech 'quickly' is will find themselves the subject of a beasting.
Sergeant-Major Williams, head of Numeracy at Castle Hill Comprehensive in Manchester, said: 'Stand to attention when I'm talking to you! Are you in pain? You should be because I'm standing on your ruddy hair! Get it cut!! You! What's six nines? Wrong! Twenty press-ups - go!!'
The head teacher, Mrs Wendy McCullough, said that disipline had certainly improved at the school, though she was still assessing whether it was strictly necessary for students who had forgotten their PE kit to face a firing squad.
'But it's early days,' she said. 'What's important is that our students get a good all-round learning experience. That's why we're sending all of them to Afghanistan for a month.'
There is also a report that troops demolished a science block in a 'friendly fire' incident, but this has not yet been confirmed.