At least half of the current UK population will die of something fatal at some point in the future, a stark new medical report has suggested.
Eternal Life Research Group Plc., which commissioned the report, has said that the country is facing a "medical time bomb" and the Government needs to take action now.
"For years, the Government of this country has been quite happy to sit back and let its citizens die," said Joyce Burgess, head of Eternal Life. "They've tried to fob us off saying that there's nothing they can do about it and telling us that it's just the natural order of things, but we are now faced with a situation where at least 50% of people in the country today will be dead at some point in the future and those sort of fatality figures are just totally unacceptable."
The report has caused widespread concern around the country as many people are realising that they may not actually be immortal after all. "I certainly don't want to die," said Brendan McNamee, a taxi driver from Liverpool. "My grandmother did that and she hasn't been able to move or speak since. This Government needs to act now. I don't want to just be another statistic."
Amid growing fears that the NHS may not have the finances or resources to cope with this medical emergency, the Government has called for calm. "The NHS will, of course, be able to cope with this issue," said a statement from the Department of Health. "These fears are totally unfounded and ridiculous and haven't been thought through. When 50% of the population die, they will no longer need to be paid their state pensions and benefits and the money we save on this will result in sufficient savings to adequately fund the NHS through this medical emergency."