The Department of transport has released plans to shake up the driver categories on UK roads.
The 'L' plate for learners (red for danger) will remain in place, as will the 'P' plate for newly qualified drivers (green for 'inexperienced young prick with a blatty exhaust').
However, a new brown 'U' plate is to be rolled out for those drivers that are termed 'useless as shite' when it comes to driving. The DoT sees this as an opportunity to increase the department's revenue, while increasing road safety, and they plan to force 'useless' drivers to purchase them.
A source close to the DoT said,
"We all know at least one useless driver. Someone who plans their journey to avoid right turns or roundabouts. Someone who overtakes on a motorway at 0.0001mph faster than the the car in front. People who are inclined to make 17-point turns and mount the kerb more often than a horny dog mounts an unsuspecting teddy.
This initiative gives other drivers plenty of warning as to where these drivers are, so they can be avoided. Unfortunately, we can't always spot these drivers until it's too late, and while supermarket carparks are fast becoming the favourite hang-out for the typical 'U' plate driver, they can pop up anywhere."
When pressed on how this was to be enforced, the DoT spokesman reluctantly admitted,
"Well speed cameras can't spot the useless drivers, and there are only so many police cars on the road, and we prefer it when they sit for hours on end, parked up and gunning drivers for speeding tickets. It makes more money and keeps the vehicle maintenance costs at a minimum.
So with that in mind, and please remember we have to tighten our belts right now, we think the best way is for other drivers to report them. This way, we can also setup a 'snitch-a-shite' help-line, which will probably be an 0871 number. In the long-term we feel this plan will allow the DoT to make the cuts being asked of it by the treasury."
Opposition pressure groups were cautious when asked to comment. The left-wing think-tank, 'Drive Safe, Drive Slow' commented,
"Well we can't really endorse such an idea, but frankly if it means more bureaucracy, and there's a job in it for my niece, I can't complain. All we ask is for drivers to drive more slowly. Speed kills."
DoT civil servants are quite pleased with their recent efforts, and are scouring the alphabet for other ideas. One particularly smug civil servant responded,
"A grey 'F' plate is also on the cards, as there are plenty of old farts out there, but we're not sure if we can justify it, as their 14-25mph rush-hour driving is easy to spot anyway. A white 'V' plate was also mooted for the transit drivers, but we don't want to give the rest of the driving population a chance to signal that they've seen the plate."
Our reporter helpfully suggested that both politicians and civil servants could adopt the 'FNC' plate, to some bemusement from both groups.