A leading Harley Street surgeon, who couldn't face the prospect of operating on 'oldies' whose intimate tattoos had become an embarrassment, has quit his practice. Sir Reginald Clamacraft, who boasts a long list of celebrity patients, intends to retrain as a vet and move to the countryside.
“David Beckham has been playing on my mind for years,” explained the good doctor. “Whenever he came for his annual check-up, instead of looking at the body of a super-fit athlete, all I saw was a vision of David in his eighties. A wizened old git, bent double over a walking stick, his bald head sitting on that ridiculous tattooed neck, his skinny arms so wrinkled that the multicoloured inks have merged into a blotched vision of hell. And then I imagined what tattoos he might have had done in places we cannot yet see – beneath the designer underpants. What horrors would confront me if I ever had to sort out his prostate gland.”
The final straw for Sir Reginald came when he read about Tulisa's intimate tattoo. “Imagine if I found myself operating in or around that particular vagina in a few decades time,” he squirmed. “She might well believe “Lucky You” is a message that many will gratefully appreciate in 2013 - but I can assure her it won't stay that way forever.”