In a final 15-fingered salute to unethical research, a recently sacked scientist has blown open the secrets of CERN.
As the budget for The Large Hadron Collidor at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has reached $10billion, Mark Pye former radiation expert and part time juggler has claimed that the public are being hoodwinked by large words to cover up a secret international scalextric ring.
“That Large Hadron Collidor? It’s not the world’s largest and highest energy particle accelerator; it’s just a 17km slot racing track where world leaders have bets against each other. In 2001 George Bush and Saddam Hussein had a race involving 2 Mini Coopers and whoever won would get the other’s oil. You know the rest.”
Far from reaching speeds of light the fastest speed ever was Vladimir Putin’s scale version of Ferrari f430 that reached a lightning 16mph.
Suspicions have surrounded CERN since words emerged such as supersymmetry Quark-gluon meson and the now famous Higgs Bosun.
“All names made up by a plasterer from Ipswich” Claims Mr Pye. “Higgs bosun was named after his dad….who was a bosun in the Royal Navy….. whose name was Higgs.”
“We had a couple of Interpol come over once to investigate possible fraudulent activity. They backed off when we said we were setting up a Super Proton Synchotron….. in reality we were just building up a little grandstand in front of a chicane in Atlas Sector bought by Andrea Merkel when she managed to bring Greece to its knees. The 2008 quench incident that closed the LHC down was actually us just putting in an extra 2 lanes so both North and South Korea could join in…and to be honest they’ve actually made it quite competitive.”
Mr Pye claims the LHC was only built due to the earlier failure of the far more superior named Super Conducting Super Collider built in Waxahachie Texas which closed down in 1993.
“Despite costing $12billion someone forgot to bring a 240v-110v transformer so the project was abolished. George W Bush went mad. He’d only just received a scalextric police car for his 47th birthday."
This is not the first time concern has been voiced over CERN research. Time travel has been used to see if a Snickers could be returned to a Marathon and alternative hydration techniques, initially to solve world drought, was used to prepare Vesta chow meins, which was suspended only after its $45million budget required further investment as scientists discovered the crispy noodles required oil.