(Warning! This article has not been approved by the government of 'Your Hand is Like Ice, Your Ass is Like a Watermelon'.)
Surprise! This reporter's Mediterranean island nation is changing its name, again.
It started with a peaceful walk in the park. Our president met us there, said we were looking peaky, said we should go home, take the day off, said he was just there to "top" some trees. Then he changed his mind, locked the park gates, threw us a surprise party and gave us presents. Flowers! Mojitos! A chocolate fountain! When we'd had enough partying and tried to leave, he chased us into the Metro, showering us with confetti, plying us with more Mojitos. He didn't want the party to end, so he stopped the train service.
Woo-Hoo! Block Party!
'So thoughtful,' we said. 'You shouldn't have,' we said. 'We didn't get anything for you.'
Not to be rude, we drank the Mojitos, danced in the hail of confetti -- it would've been hard not to -- and when we ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning and confetti-induced injuries, the pres chased us in there, too.
That guy knows how to party! He acts like a Stooge, hitting us over the head with slapstick humor and poking us in the eyes. But sometimes his punchlines don't get laughs, like when he called the father of our nation, Attaboy, 'that drunk who wrote the laws'.
We shouldn't have been so ungrateful. Silly us; we're sensitive about "Attaboy" and the rights he gave us to throw our own parties.
Just have the pres send us the bill for that wall that collapsed on us, okay? No hard feelings, and thank him for the free rides to the zoo. In return, we offer him this gift: we're changing our name. It's the least we can do. It's not like our homeland doesn't have a history of name changes. Its original name, 'Take It/No, You Take It', soon changed to 'Up Yours!/Your Mother!' and later to 'I Know You Are/But What Am I?'
So, no longer will our country be called 'Your Hand is Like Ice/Your Ass is Like a Watermelon'. It's tourist season, folks. Come on down to 'His Heart is Like Ice, Our Heads Crack Like Watermelons'.
Now, who's up for another party? Woo-Hoo?