Almost one in five children in today's schools are just plain fucking stupid, according to a new report released this morning by The Department of Education.
The report was issued by the Department in response to criticism of its performance following the revelation that 17% of children believe that cheese grows on plants and nearly one in ten believe that tomatoes grow underground. According to the Department, their newly released report provides support for their view that some children are just going to be remarkably stupid, regardless of the actual level of education they receive.
"The unfortunate fact is that there are children out there, and we all know who they are, who are just not mentally equipped to adequately take in abstract information about things like where food comes from or who they are or what year it is," said Jonathan Kendall, spokesman for the Department. In fact, any information above and beyond how to eat crayons, sniff glue or beat up the weakest pupil in the class is probably going to be wasted on them. I mean, 17% think that cheese grows on trees and 17% are just fucking stupid. Even some of these children could work out that correlation, maybe, on a good day," he added.
Despite the report, concern is growing about the lack of knowledge which children have about where their food comes from. "We went round a lot of local schools offering to educate them about the origins of cheese, but the schools said they weren't interested in educating the children about those sorts of things," said David Byrne, president of the British Cheese Foundation."It's an awful pity that those young children aren't learning about these sorts of things. I reckon most of them don't know their Cas from their Molbo."
However, the breakdown of report's findings is also generating concern about just how stupid our children are becoming. Of the children classed in the report as "fucking stupid"' almost half of them were categorised as "as stupid as that guy in the park who feeds breadcrumbs to the beech trees" although over 15% were defined as "unable to even understand Doctor Who", 12% were deemed "less intelligent than the pencil they used to complete the test" and just under 5% fell into the most stupid category of all which was simply defined as "Buck's Fizz Reunion."