Your first-born child can be taken from you under a routine arrest, the US Supreme Court ruled on Monday.
‘This is no different than sizing drugs or weapons during a raid. The police need that child as evidence so it is only right that they keep it in an evidence locker. I’m sure one of the amendments of the Constitution states this as a right of the police, I just forget which one, the 9th perhaps?’ wrote one of the judges.
The court was divided on the matter with another judge arguing, ‘sure this will stop some crimes but so would gun control and it’s not like we’re doing anything with that, is it? On the plus side, I’ll be able to take my wife to work because the evidence room will now be 200% cuter.’
Most states were already detaining children; today’s ruling was to decide whether this right was protected under the constitution. The decision was that framers of American society absolutely predicted this debate would occur two centuries after their deaths and, in their wisdom, wrote one or two paragraphs that vaguely justify either position.
Construction will now begin on a massive database to hold the children indefinitely. Some had hoped that the children would be turned free when the parent is convicted but as New York Police Sargent, John Jones, explained, ‘We may need them in future should the parents re-offend so we’re just going to keep them in a big building until their parents die. Then, nine years afterwards, we release them, provided someone remembers to release them. Which they almost certainly won’t because bureaucracy sucks. What can you do?’