UKIP leader Nigel Farage today revealed that he has been instructed by God to build an ark in order to protect sane, anti-European thinkers like himself from the rising floodwaters which God has sent to central Europe as a punishment for the incompetence and bureaucracy of the European Union.
‘I’ve been saying for years that we would be punished for the folly of a single European currency and federalist economic policy,’ said Farage today. ‘Admittedly, I thought it would be the rising tide of red tape and national debt that would drown us, not actual floodwater, but maybe now people will take God’s warning seriously. In fact I’ve noticed since last month’s local elections that people have become much more receptive to self-important old men delivering prophecies of doom.’
Europe has been warned to expect further torrential rains which will last for 40 days and 40 nights – or summer, as it is also known – and Farage, who like Noah is believed to be fond of a drink, more than 700 years old and whose views haven’t progressed since the Old Testament, has already started work on his ark.
‘The building of this ark at last provides UKIP with something to say about how we’d invigorate the UK manufacturing sector and achieve economic recovery,’ asserted Farage. ‘David Cameron has promised a referendum on withdrawing from Europe by 2017, but I can do better than that and will be leaving the European Union tonight by boat. And don’t worry about a bit of water getting into the ark – I decided to tear up the European shipbuilding regulations.’
Farage has already rounded up a representative crew of UKIP supporters for his maiden voyage, including misguided anti-establishment types, casual racists and out-and-out lunatics. ‘We’ll be boarding the ark two-by-two and will keep spirits up by singing the national anthem hourly,’ said Farage. ‘Then, when the floodwaters recede, we’ll establish an independent sovereign state free from the meddling of Brussels.’
Sadly, though, when the floodwaters did finally recede and Farage’s ark hit land, he was turned away by a group of primitive reactionary natives who had a policy of not welcoming foreigners.