Thousands across Central Europe have been left homeless as fluid levels rise, caused by an excess of oral gratification during the spring thaw. Families have been advised to move to higher ground and avoid heavy petting, as the deadly juices flood.
Landslides, flooding and certain degree of knee-trembling has led to roads being closed, rail services being cut and severe aching jaws. Electricity has been turned off as a precaution, but there are fears that people will still copulate with the lights off.
Czech Prime Minister Petr Necas has called a special cabinet session where he will review footage from Basic Instinct and the Director’s cut of Wall Street. Around 1,000 troops have been mobilised to help erect wart-resistant barriers; with sandbagging to combat teabagging.
The Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls is said to be “deeply disappointed”, as rigorous sexual activity was part of his alternative heating strategy on cutting winter fuel bills.