The Sunday Times has obtained secret tapes of Mark Lindsey, Controller for Light Entertainment, agreeing to commission another series of Michael McIntyre's Comedy Road Show for cash. This comes only days after MP Patrick Mercer and several Lords were also implicated in the lobbying scandal.
There has been a growing suspicion that Mr Linsey, the brains behind The Kids Are Alright and The One And Only, was in the thrall of powerful special interest groups or part of an elaborate "dare". Evidence has now been put before the BBC Trust that no one has ever watched the National Lottery or anything involving Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Chairman Lord Patten issued this statement: "A BBC Controller like Mr Lindsey earns a paltry annual salary of £200,000. Clearly that is not enough to guarantee quality programming and he could easily be a target for corrupting influences. It has long been acknowledged that BBC scheduling has been manipulated by Far Eastern betting syndicates."
Undercover reporters filmed men who appeared to be Commissioning Editors, offering to create programmes devoid of soul or any artistic merit - provided they could use Graham Norton to present them.
£2,000 - they could alter the outcome of Total Wipeout.
£5,000 - they could get a deep-fried mars bar made in The Restaurant.
£20,000 - they can get the Queen to have a "wardrobe malfunction" during The Royal Variety Performance.
Earlier this week Matt Smith was forced to resign as Doctor Who, having "shagged" a Dalek for £300. Pointless has been found to have toxic "smugness" levels far beyond EU safety limits. Worst still, half the cast of Strictly Come Dancing have left the show in disgrace, having taken a "dive" in exchange for a galleon of fake tan.