Recent comments by ageing right-wingers against the legalisation of gay marriage are unintentionally giving unimaginative straight men the ammunnition for new strains of kinky fantasy, it has emerged. Analysts fear that all too many reactionary figures from the 1980s fail to realise that what offends them might be erection-fodder for the dark recesses of thousands of male minds.
'When Torman Tebbit asked if we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another woman and someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child, is that child heir to the throne, my mind went 'Ker-ching!' said Stuart Cook, a 42-year-old accounts clerk from Bedford. 'I don't give a toss about the Law of Succession but I can't get the thought out of royal girl-on-girl action out of my head.'
Tebbit did go on to partially spoil the image for Cook by raising the prospect of legal father-son marriages to save on inheritance tax, albeit that it seems unlikely that this is an issue that will ever concern him. The former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey then saved the day by warning that the logical conclusion of gay marriage might be to allow sisters to marry each other or three-way marriage between a man and two women.
'I'm not gay at all, but if allowing gays to marry means all-night romps for me, Kate and Pippa locked behind the doors of the royal apartments with nothing but the crown jewels and a turkey baster, bring it on,' Cook said. 'Thank you, Lord Tebbit and Lord Carey, for so disastrously underestimating mens' capacity for perversion. I don't think anything could make me happier, other than Myleene Klass serving tea and cake she made using her own breast milk.'