Britain is to extend its policy of arms dealer diplomacy to its own War on Drugs, in a move that will see Cruise Missiles supplied to the Murder Dem Batty Boys gang in Croydon. Arming one side, it is argued, will bring a swift end to the bloody conflict on the streets of south London, just as previous incisively targeted interventions have proved successful in Syria, Iraq and other war zones.
"The good news is that we can bring peace to the region, end the war on drugs and, thanks to carpet bombing, we will literally all level the playing fields," said a spokesman.
If the experiment is successful - according to the Civil Service's own unique Outcome Measuring criteria - the policy could be rolled out across the country. According to reports, William Hague has been in secret talks with the Burger Bar Boys in Birmingham, The Triads in Liverpool and gangs in Manchester, Nottingham and Bristol. All have expressed enthusiasm for the scheme, which will see them armed with sub machines on the ground and backed up with Air Strikes. A recent No Fly Zone over Croydon was hailed a massive success.
According to intelligence cut and paste off the internet by a retired tabloid journalist, the South Norwood Reckaz (sworn enemies of the Murder Dem Batty Boyz community) have the capacity to launch an attack on Westminster in 45 minutes, roadworks permitting. So the government has to act fast.
"I've been listening to the public, and what they've been telling me is they want the government to take more random stands of partisanship in bloody conflicts we don't understand," said Hague.