The broadcasting world is said to be facing a watershed moment as TV producers have been forced to admit that Britain’s’ stock of easily exploited, egotistical twats is running dangerously low.
One BBC insider commented, ‘You look at this year’s line up on the Apprentice and you’d think it was a golden age for self-important gobshites, but what you don’t know is how hard it was get them all signed up. It was touch and go, for a while, it looked like we would have to use someone who could actually string a sentence together without using the word ‘teamleader’ every seventeen seconds’, but fortunately a couple of right old bellends came through for us at the end.
However the outlook is decidedly bleak for future series, ‘If things carry on like this then it’s unlikely that we’ll be back next year. It seems that this country isn’t actually full of delusional sociopaths who equate being reasonably good at flogging tat to confused old ladies as proof of their own god like prominence. Even the lure of working for the man who unleashed the Amstrad PCW8256 on the world isn’t enough to make most people prostitute themselves for our entertainment.’
And the effect is being felt in commercial broadcasting as well. Vanessa Coltart, Head of Manipulative Dullardry at Channel 4, commented on the issues facing its flagship show ‘Come Dine With Me,’ She explained, ‘it’s becoming increasingly difficult for us to find people who have both a ridiculously misplaced sense of their own importance and rudimentary cooking skills. We’ve had to scale things back considerably, but we’re still really excited about our new look show ‘Bilious Nobheads Warming Up Soup.’
And even daytime TV has not been immune. The producers of the Jeremy Kyle Show were have also been accused of ‘Dumbing Up’ by having to include more middle class guests in shows such as ‘I want the truth! Did my sister steal my Pashmina?’ and ‘Shape up or ship out! Your Risotto addiction is ruining our marriage!’