The new advert for IKEA garden furniture that depicts a battle between uncaring, brutal, modernising garden owners and a group of defenceless, poorly armed garden gnomes has revealed a deep cultural division within the IKEA UK organisation which reflects the traditional North/South divide. As many of you will know, IKEA UK is divided into two regions - North IKEA (Manchester and all stores north) and South IKEA (All stores south of Manchester).
Kim Jongle, the North IKEAN divisional director, has declared full support for the gnome bashing advert promoting the adoption of standardised, modular garden furniture which is aimed at the masses. “The people of North IKEA will not allow the southern dissidents to stand in the way of progress. Our 15 year plan has always included the removal of all non functional garden decoration, especially ugly, poorly cast and tackily decorated garden gnomes.”, declared the Supreme Director.
His South IKEAN counter part, Pat Goonie expressed her disgust at the treatment of garden gnomes especially the use of water cannon to break up a peaceful protest in a well be-gnomed suburban garden. “We South IKEANs have always treasured our democratic freedom to ignore good taste in the same way as our American allies.”, said the Regional President.
Internet buzz suggests that the English Gnome Defence League intend to organise a rally in the North IKEAN capital, at the Manchester IKEA car park. UKIP have, not surprisingly, taken the side of the garden gnomes claiming that this is another example of our great traditions being placed under threat by the action of a multi-national that will not even use our native language to name their products.
The Home Office leader Theresa May has handed down instructions to the Police and Armed Forces. Both organisations are having difficulty following them as they have only received a few primitive diagrams with cartoon figures and some long numbers.
Sweden has volunteered to provide intermediaries who speak fluent English and IKEAN.
David Cameron has appealed for both sides to calm down while he attempts to assemble the Cabinet. Unfortunately he has so far been unable to do so as he is short of 4 x bracket 118254.