The Scottish Independence debate has be thrown into confusion over the sudden realization that not every natural resource is a desirable one. Previously, Scottish Nationalists had argued that it was "English Buffoons" who were holding back progress but recent data suggests that Scotland has long been a net exporter of morons.
The first indication that something was wrong was when the Electoral Commission received a request from Surrey Heath, North Somerset, Chingford and Woodford Green to be able to vote "in favour of Scottish Independence". These English Constituencies had discovered that in the event of a "yes" vote, they would be able to deport their own Scots-born, knuckleheaded MPs (Messrs Gove, Fox and Duncan-Smith).
First Minister, Alex Salmond, had assumed that he would only have to share power with his own ego, but now there are fears of a flood of unemployed, power-hungry nincompoops from "down south". "Decades of stoopid Westminster policies initiated by Scots Proles, are set to be transferred back to Holyrood!" explained the panicked First Minister. "We don't even get the Queen as Head of State - we get the Duke of Edinburgh!"
• The Royal Bank of Scotland, Gordon Brown & Alisdair Darling have collaborated to ensure that the "British Recession" can now be rightfully reclaimed as the "Scottish Depression"
• English, Welsh and Northern Irish students will now be spared Michael Gove's education policies, as he can now focus on covering Scotland with fee-paying, academized schools.
• Iain Duncan Smith will follow through on his final solution for the Welfare State. While Dr. Liam Fox, who has long been sidelined in English politics, is said to be ecstatic about the idea of phasing out the Scottish NHS.
• The Middle East can now focus their ire rightly on Scotland's numptie-in-chief, Mr Tony Blair. Mr Blair has promised to come out of retirement to ensure Scottish Foreign Policy destabilizes the world for generations to come.
Not only will Scotland be given sources of national shame as their fair division of resources but they will also have to relinquish certain areas of pride. Bragging rights related to the Olympic Opening Ceremony will now belong to other Home Nations, while Scotland will only be permitted to send out hand-written flyers advertising the Highland Games.
Celebrity Nationalists have long avoided repatriation and tax, so a "yes" vote would be a disaster. Sean Connery's agent was one of the first to state that his client had no intention of returning to the rain and midges: "Losing the BBC will mean a perpetual loop of Taggart re-runs and Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights. At 86, Mr. Connery is too old to bear the humiliation of seeing Scotland compete in the Eurovision Semi-Finals."
Not all nationalists see this as negative: "Rebalancing of trade is not all one way; England clearly has the monopoly on celebrity perverts," explained one Tartan Patriot. "Obviously there is a need for a charismatic leader to unify these diverse political-dimwits. Independence makes Alex Salmond redundant, so the logical choice for Scotland's first Prime Minister will be George Galloway."