In an announcement on the White House lawn this morning, President Obama said he would ‘do whatever it takes to prevent those English soccer hooligans beating the good old US of A in Saturday’s World Cup encounter’, saying his first act would be to put his boot on the neck of that skinny Limey coach Fabio Capello, who should go back to designing women’s dresses or racketeering or whatever he used to do.
Obama said England had to take responsibility for inflicting a game on the world that Americans just did not get, and furthermore could not exploit with repeated time-outs for commercial breaks, and that they should pay every last penny of restitution without nickel and diming American sports fans.
The president said steps would be taken to address the unfairness of the timing of Saturday’s game, which would be in the evening for the Godless English pro-abortion anti-capital-punishment drunken socialist soccer fans but would fall during the day for hard working American workers, or at least the soccer-loving Mexicans and other immigrant communities who would otherwise be hard at work on a Saturday keeping the great American economy rolling along.
Mr Obama said it was grossly inequitable that England should get away with playing to the same rules as everyone else in the world, even if those same rules had been approved by the US Soccer Federation, and that they should not be allowed to score a goal until every last American player had scored one first. England had to pay the penalty, even if they could not score one to save their lives. And England would have to renounce the word ‘football’, which was owned by the NFL.
Summing up with foot in mouth, the President said these measures would put the boot on England’s neck, make England foot the bill, put the boot on the other foot and give football back to its rightful owners. And if they did not play ball, he would instruct US forces to take the ball away.