Following the brutal murder of an off duty soldier in Woolwich yesterday God has spoken out for the first time in pretty much two thousand years in an effort to distance himself from the truly shocking act of barbarity, claiming non-existence in his defence.
"Honestly, it's fuck all to do with me," God said,
"I don't care what you call me - Allah, God, Yahweh, Vishnu, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever - It really doesn't matter because I don't exist. Seriously, can you please stop killing each other in my name, which isn't real by the way, because even if it were it still wouldn't be any kind of justification whatsoever."
God continued, "And for all those thinking, 'Hang on a minute, how is God saying all these things despite the fact he says he doesn't exist?' Well let me tell you something, it takes about as much effort in terms of cognitive dissonance to say that I don't exist despite all evidence to the contrary as it does to believe I do exist without a shred of evidence of any kind whatsoever. I mean, come on, think about it for a moment."
When asked precisely what humanity should believe in in the wake of his declaration of non-existence God replied,
"How the hell should I know? Maybe you're all part of some weird experiment conducted by aliens, or perhaps you're just the product of sheer astronomical dumb luck. Or, how about this - it might not even mean anything to ask the question in the first place. Have you thought about that?"
"But in the meantime, in my absence, please, please, please - I can't stress this enough - just try and be nice to one another."