It's 8 PM local time, and Presidential polls have been closed two hours in this reporter's Mediterranean island homeland. Known to Turks as "Elin Buz Gibi / Gortun Karpuz Gibi" (Your Hand is Like Ice / Your Ass is Like a Watermelon), and to Greeks as something similar (only in Greek), my tiny island nation has long been fought over by our neighbors to the North and West.
Yes, for hundreds of years, the turquoise waters surrounding our rock have flowed red with the blood of Greeks and Turks, who wouldn't be caught dead curling up their toes or twirling their moustaches on the place. Instead, they fight to the death not to possess it, as evidenced by the island's original name, which translates roughly to: "Take It / No, You Take It", and the many names it's had since then, including "Up Yours! / Your Mother!", "Son of a Donkey! / Limp Cucumber!" and, in honor of U.S. Ambassador Pee Wee Herman, "I Know You Are / But What Am I?"
All 752 votes have been counted, and the winner... wasn't running. Due to clerical error and local tradition of referring to citizens by their middle names, Mustafa Stavros Bogaboku, the sole candidate and forerunner in all two pre-election polls, lost his bid for the presidency. He lost to his black sheep, ne'er-do-well cousin, Stavros Mustafa Bogaboku -- and by a landslide. Results are final and binding, so my reluctantly independent, unwanted nation will soon have an equally reluctant and unwanted leader.
The magnanimous loser immediately called his cousin, who is vacationing in Cuba, to congratulate him on becoming President Elect. The defeated candidate is now sharing a drink with this reporter -- a glass of "Rocko," a unique blend of Turkish Raki and Greek Ouzo affectionately known as "Bull Semen" for its cloudy, irritable nature. Here we sit, reminiscing about the good old days, when men were men and women were also men, when candidates who won elections were among the candidates who were running.
In solidarity, we lift our glasses to our beloved island home.
"Your Hand is Like Ice!"
"Your Ass is Like a Watermelon!"