The Home Office, today, announced a widening of a pilot scheme which has already made significant improvements in “failing” schools. Iraqi interpreters, who worked alongside British troops, have been for some time schooled in the U.K.’s academies and now it is hoped to extend the scheme to include up to 600 Afghan interpreters.
“One in six people in the UK struggle with literacy,” explained a Downing Street source. “To educate these dullards is both expensive and time consuming. If we simply deport the useless sixth and import a similar number of literate adults, we solve the problem in an instant. Yes, it is a little humiliating for a fully grown adult to be enrolled in a primary school, but that is the only way of getting ten years of positive residual in our league tables.”
Those seeking residency bids or claiming asylum will now be fast-tracked provided they have skills in an “enabling” subject area and are happy to participate in “circle time” at pre-school. Refugee Action welcomed the decision, saying: "An estimated 370,000 parents in London struggle with literacy. It makes sense to ask them to leave, in order to make room for individuals with a graduate level education and an ability to cope with a demilitarized zone.”
A Home Office spokeswoman explained: “To improve in key subject areas we need to deport those who cannot grasp the basics. The expulsion of UKIP members should have a positive impact on our grasp of Modern Languages and Geography. Fundamentalists of any religious persuasion will be asked to leave to help with our Sciences. And we have an orderly queue of Historians who have volunteered to throw Michael Gove into the Channel.”