The Food Standards Agency today confirmed that there is no pork in halal burgers.
"Equally," said the statement, "there is no milk in kosher burgers. Everyone knows that."
The statement was made today following DNA tests on school meals which had shocked observant religious families in Leicester. However, a representative of the food processing company at the centre of the scare explained: "The trouble is, the test sample was erroneously taken from our non-halal, non-kosher range of Contaminated Burgers, intended exclusively for Christian schoolchildren."