On what Astrologers are describing as a “slow news-day”, the Media have been quick to declare that Elizabeth II’s tour of the Chelsea Flower Show as the catalyst for the “end of time”. This floral apocalypse has helped fill empty headlines and break the repetitive cycle of inflation related puns which have bedeviled the press of late.
One jaded Newspaper Editor justified the hyperbole surrounding the Queen’s visit: “Thank goodness for the Royals, is all I can say. We’ve got to print something,” he said.”We’ve been recycling stories for months. It’s all ‘recession, blah, blah, blah’. Eventually the public will catch on. There’s only so many variation on ‘Iraq is f**ked up’, ‘Crazed U.S. gunman’ or ‘Michael Gove: Boy Genius’ we can run. “
Reporters admit to having added a little “colour” to the Royal story to aid circulation. “Liz has raised expectation levels since having jumped out of a helicopter,” said a listless Pap. “We need her to have a wardrobe malfunction or the Duke of Edinburgh to punch Emma Watson for us to have any hope of reaching the front page. One hundred and fifty thousand will visit this centenary event, but they’re just killing time until the Iphone6 is launched.”
Journalists are concerned that the traditional, inverted story-pyramid structure (with the most interesting elements at the beginning) has been replaced by the “leaking trough of news”. The ”Trough” starts with a ridiculous and ill-spelt headline, it follows up with a series of unsubstantiated and libelous statements and then finishes with an irrelevant link to something that happened on The Apprentice that week.
“Since Leveson, the usual journalistic tools – hacking…bribery…ritual sacrifice – they’ve all been off limits” said one disgruntled broadcaster.”We’ve stuck watching trends on Twitter or just pasting straight from Wiki. At this rate we might even have to leave our desks to do some research!”
When it was suggested that the Media might want to give coverage to numerous civil wars, corruption scandals or natural disasters, he replied: “It’s this period between football seasons, unless there is definitive proof that someone got fiddled with by a former celebrity we just don’t want to know…and neither do you.”
The Apprentice can be seen at 9pm on BBC1 this Wednesday