A Winchester man has failed in his bid to become a gay stereotype despite years of pressure from family, friends and other sections of society. Tom Hutchinson decided to come clean in an interview with Motor Cycle Weekly in the hope that he could demonstrate that effeminacy, bitchiness and aggressive political posturing do not go hand in hand with being attracted to the same sex.
“I knew from a very young age that I liked other men but never had the urge to play with dolls or do all the other cissy thinks that were expected of me. As I was growing up I never got into amateur dramatics and was happier in my oily boiler suit taking motorbike engines apart than blowing a whistle at a gay pride parade wearing pink speedos.”
In his frank interview Mr Hutchinson explained how friends would urge him to raise the pitch of his voice by a few octaves or dress in pastel colours instead of the darker tones which he favoured. “On my eighteenth birthday my 'so called' best friend bought me an album by the Pet Shop Boys, and we haven’t spoken since.” He has also steadfastly refused to become a member of Virgin Active or live in a former warehouse apartment.
“Even now people criticise me for not finding Graham Norton funny and they are also shocked to hear that I’ve never visited Sitges or Mykonos or even taken a stroll down Canal Street.”
On the subject of gay marriage he explained that although he hadn’t yet found Mr Right he’d like to settle down one day like some of his straight friends but would hate a big church wedding or a three tiered cake with two dainty grooms on the top.
Following his revelations, Mr Hutchinson has since refused offers of a film and stage musical of his life despite the promise of Jason Statham taking the lead role.
“I’ve always wanted to cross both ice caps on my Harley Davidson so that’s my priority right now along with raising money for Help for Heroes. Oh, and I’ve also binned the Barbie Doll which some wanker sent me as a lucky mascot.”