Staunch anti-gay marriage Tory activist, Brigadier Sir Compton Carboys, has revealed that his petite 54 year old wife, Brioney, is pretty fit in the old bouncing bombs department. “My wifey's a right little cracker,” said Carboys, who once yomped forty soldiers all the way from Goose Green to Stanley without getting caught.
Brioney – or Brian as the brigadier affectionately calls her – was busily handing round the first Pimms of the season, as Cotswold Conservatives gathered on the green at Pilcher's Bottom to discuss the Dambusters - and the stabilising effect the famous raid had on wartime matrimony.
Carboys, ever so slightly squiffy, immediately grasped the opportunity to pour scorn on the Prime Minister's outlandish proposal to legalise gay marriage. “Men are men and women are women,” he assured a small group of very attentive old ladies. “Cameron's attempt to merge this fine old arrangement of ours can only end in heartbreak.”
“Take my beautiful Brioney,” he continued. “You all know my gal don't you, the one over there by the tombola. Now that's what I call a woman. A proper woman. I'll always remember the day I first took her trousers down. What a revelation. One of life's major turning points. In one pincer-move I understood the connection between Barnes Wallis's bouncing bombs and a happy union. Knows how to pour a decently large scotch does my Brian. D'you know, the old girl only has to shave twice a week. Bloody miracle, what!”
At which point English rose Brioney, looking as pretty as a picture in a blue flowered frock with matching accessories, led the brigadier back to their old Bentley and quietly drove him home.