Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has confirmed that the UK's last airworthy Lancaster bomber has been fitted with a controversial software upgrade as part of a major cost-cutting exercise.
'In times of economic hardship, we have concluded that an effective way of trimming down the RAF budget is to decommission all operating aircraft and replace them with a state-of-the-art upgrade to our national treasure, the Avro Lancaster,' said Mr. Hammond on BBC Newsnight.
Because of the thirty year rule, it is now public knowledge that a brain scan was made of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in 1983, around the time that Hollywood blockbuster Firefox was released. In that movie, a hyper-intelligent combat aircraft could read the thoughts of its pilot and act on them autonomously.
Mr. Hammond said that the new upgrade would allow a single plane to wreak havoc in the skies of Britain, potentially saving billions of pounds, and denied accusations that it was a cynical stunt to placate disaffected Daily Mail readers.
'We are fortunate that we were able to take an electronic snapshot of Margaret's personality before she went completely doolally,' added Mr. Hammond in a cynical move designed to placate disaffected Daily Mail readers. 'But, whilst on the cusp of madness, this has provided us with just the right amount of psychopathy befitting an upgrade to the operating system of Britain's most successful wartime bomber.'
The re-vamped aircraft was put through its paces last week in a fly-by over the Derwent reservoir in Derbyshire, but onlookers were stunned when ‘Rejoice! Rejoice!’ was heard to be emanating from wingtip loudspeakers. The Lancaster then suddenly veered off on a 300-mile detour to strafe Labour Party headquarters before carpet-bombing the retirement home of NUM leader Arthur Scargill.
Whilst Clint Eastwood is to be made available as a flight option, combat-certified Minister for Local Government Eric Pickles has denied any involvement with a 21st century refit of the Bouncing Bomb.